Yesterday, I got to work only to find out (by e-mail) that my Grampa had a heart attack. Add to that the ridiculous stress of Mondays where I work, combined with catching up the employee who was away last week, and the leaky-eyed-rag-doll I've been lately, and it was not a good start. I left work half way through the day to go visit my Grampa in the hospital. He is 2 and a half hours away. Got to the Hospital, went in to see him, and he looks like death. I mean, he looks as though he's got a few more days at best. His doctor says his prognosis is "10 hours to 10 years" which is completely useless as far as information goes. I visited with other family, and went back to the hospital later in the evening to let my Grampa know I'd be back in a couple of days to see him. He was heavily medicated, and in a very deep sleep at this point, so I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him. Then I went home.
I may not get another chance at a goodbye.
While he was still lucid, though, before the morphine kicked in, he was the wise-cracking smart Alec he's always been. Said he had the heart attack "while frolicking with a lady on the mountainside." He's in good spirits. He seems to have accepted his fate with no fear, no regrets. My only hope is that he's not in pain for much longer. In the last 4 years, he's lost his youngest son (my dad), and his wife. I'm sure they're waiting for him on the other side, and I'm sure he knows that.
Facing my family, which lately only happens for Christmas, weddings and funerals, with all of my new health issues, was not easy. I had a couple of falls, and I gave EDS brochures to my cousins, and updates on my health. It felt selfish... Talking about me... Like I don't deserve their support with my Grampa in the hospital.
While I'm being selfish... The Clonazepam finally seems to be helping with the twitching. I find lately that it has been significantly reduced in frequency... But when it does happen it hurts more and more (I'm talking severe 9/10 pain levels by the time I get through the day). I'm also having more core stability issues, and I'm still falling A LOT. The Clonazepam-induced depression is not helping me cope with my Grampa's illness, or anything else for that matter. I don't think I can cope with much more. It's like the straw that broke the camels' back. I'm beyond that point, but the universe keeps piling it on. Like Friday... I went to clean my glasses, and they snapped in half, so I'm stuck wearing my contacts DURING ALLERGY SEASON until I can find the time and energy to go have my eyes tested, and pick out new frames, and argue with the sales staff until we reach a mutually beneficial arrangement...
On the up side... My roommate is finally back home, and she said she would cook chicken tacos for supper tonight. No more Pop Tarts and take-out for me!
2 more weeks until I can see if I can try a different medication, or (preferably) get sent for more tests. I need answers, I need solutions, and I need support.
Wallowing In It
1 week ago