Monday, June 28, 2010


This morning, I fell in the shower. It was a cartoon-ish fall, with my feet flying up, and I landed on my right side, dislocating my shoulder in a really weird way... Reduced it under a nice steady stream of steaming hot water... Which I would totally recommend to everybody by the way... It felt almost nice in an "OMG PAIN!!!" sort of way.

So I painstakingly finished my shower, got ready for work... Made it through to just after lunch, and I fell. Another drop attack. While I was standing with a door to my back. I landed with most of my weight on the doorknob, catching the underside of my left shoulder blade, and now, hours later, I am still in pain.

I had a bit of a screaming match with my mother... Then we both had a bit of a cry... And shortly I will be on my way home to recover from a long day's work, so I'm better enough to do it all again tomorrow.

That's all I do lately. Work 7:30-4:30 Monday to Friday, and all the time in between I am recovering.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I saw my geneticist today.

He's baffled.

He has no idea what could possibly be wrong with me now, but he's going to send me for some follow-up blood work. He wants to check the levels of calcium, magnesium, and the a-word molecules produced by the liver that are grabby little bastards which might be stealing my drugs from me. Seriously. Don't look at me like I'm off my rocker...

Albumin... That's what they're called. They're collectors. Sticky ones. They snatch things out of your bloodstream, like calcium, magnesium, prescription drugs (and eventually re-release them into the bloodstream)... And my albumin levels were on the low side of normal a year ago, when my iron was low, and now my albumin levels are higher than the high side of normal, and my iron levels are normal (as of a couple of months ago) and the geneticist thinks that low calcium could possibly be a cause of the sudden twitchiness.

Or it could be post-viral-something-or-other.

He also agrees with me that there is a possibility it could be iron built up in my brain... And he thinks "they" would call us both crazy if he were to request the test necessary to rule it in/out. Apparently it's an odd test to request. I think he said it was the old version of an MRI, or something.

Either way he wants to wait for my follow-up with the Neurologist, and the blood work, and whatever tests the neurologist orders before I have a follow-up with him again.

He also says I should either stop taking the Clonazepam, or go see a psychiatrist. Because I was sitting there crying... Again... But I'll wait until I see the Neurologist lady, and see what she says about drug options.

And finally, for those of you not keeping yourselves updated through my comment section:
Yesterday *(Last Thursday now)* I fell backwards, had the twisty-spine thing (Dystonia? Ataxia? I DON'T F***ING CARE ANYMORE)landed on the front of my left shoulder, and it hurt so bad I couldn't move enough to get the weight off of it. I bawled my eyes out, and screamed a bit of the frustration out. I was at work when this happened, and had to take 15 minutes and 2 smokes to calm down enough, and stop crying enough to get myself an ice pack.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


The Clonazepam is an anti-anxiety, anti-seizure medication. It seems to be a mood disturber of some sort, as I seem to be unreasonably irritable lately. It's like I'm on a VERY short fuse. I snap at everyone, and I don't mean to.

If you are one of my IRL friends, and I've snapped at you recently, I'm sorry.

If you're one of my bloggy friends, and I've left an unpleasant or snippy comment on one of your posts, I'm sorry about that too.

If I cry randomly, like when the mail arrives, or I read a funny part of a book, or just sit there sobbing uncontrollably, no, there's nothing wrong... It's the pills. They've turned me into a weepy, snappy, hormonal-feeling B**** and I can't seem to stop myself from saying hurtful things.

On another note, last weekend, my Hubby gave me a hug. A nice gentle hug, and it dislocated my shoulder and collarbone in such a way that all I could do was stand there and cry. Poor guy felt horrible about it. It felt so painful though, and I couldn't really move for a while. I didn't snap at him though, and I'm thankful for that. I just hugged my left arm between us for a few minutes until I got the crying under control.

I'm seeing my geneticist next week. I should really bring him up to date on everything that's happened since January, but I so want to just send him a link to my blog. "Here, if you care at all, you'll read the whole thing through."

More of the B**** coming out I suppose. I can't seem to be happy. I think at my follow-up appointment with the tourette's/neurologist lady I'll have to ask her to try me on something else. I'm still twitching. It's less frequent, but more severe. I'm in pain 24/7, and I'm depressed.

I had a lovely suicidal thought last night. It seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. I've thought it through though, and I'll be okay. On this front at least.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Can't Win

I've been sleeping too soundly it would seem.

I get so tired from the pain, and I just lay down... Taking forever to actually fall asleep, but once I'm out... I'm OUT.

No moving, tossing, turning...

I wake up in exactly the position I fell asleep in.

I slept in on the weekend, and when I finally woke up, I was so tired from the pain in all my joints that I had to go back to bed.

I almost miss the insomnia.

Last night I fell asleep in an awkward position, and when I woke up I had to spend about 15 minutes putting things back where they're supposed to be before I could even take a shower.

Went to work, and I fell, awkwardly, and dislocated my ankle. After work I went to the mall, almost fell, but caught myself in such a way that I dislocated my knee. When I got home, I was in the bathroom, and I fell out into the hallway. As I'm sitting here typing this, it feels as though my left elbow wants to dislocate, and the two bones in my forearm feel as though they're magnetically charged, and trying to run away from each other.

But on the good side of today, I bought 3 CD's. One to replace the one that snapped in half... One that I've wanted for a while, and Meatloaf: Bat Out of Hell. I used to listen to my dad's record of it, and it was the best sound... But I didn't get any of his record collection when he passed away, and I figured a CD would have to do.

It's raining here, or I would go torment myself by rollerblading. If I only did it on days when I don't hurt, I'd never do it... So I just have to clench my teeth, and wait for my brain to turn off... Almost like meditation, but with enough awareness of my surroundings that I don't steer myself into the river... Or traffic.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Arguing with Doctors

After work yesterday, I decided to go to the doctor to refill my prescription for an inhaler.

Doctor walks in, looks at my chart, "But you don't have asthma."

"I know, but I have allergies, and they affect me in a way which mimics an asthma attack, and the inhaler I had 5 years ago worked for me, and I'd like a new one."

"Let me listen to you breathe." ... "Have you been tested for asthma?"

"Yes, and I don't have it."

"But you want an inhaler? Do your allergies give you rashes? Do you get hives?"

"No rashes, unless the allergens come in contact with my skin. No hives, ever. But when I'm allergic to grass and trees and pollen, and I'm outside in the spring, and I am also exerting myself physically, thus increasing my breathing rate and the number of allergens in my system, I do have allergy induced asthma attacks, and I stop breathing. I had to rush myself to the nearest grocery store, buy some liquid Benadryl, and chug about 1/4 of the bottle, and wait half an hour before I could breathe normally again. So yes, I would like an inhaler."

After the breathing, and my lungs being fine, and no signs of anything else wrong, she looks down and says "Oh, you're a smoker... I should have guessed."

We then argued over the relative health benefits* of smoking 7 cigarettes per day vs. taking a very large amount of over the counter, and prescription drugs to get rid of the migraines I'd had for 7 years prior to when I started smoking. She finally let it drop. I had a doctor tell me, years ago, that I was going to suffer from liver disease by the time I was 25 if I continued taking as many medications for migraines as I had been before I started smoking. I am no longer at risk of imminent liver failure, so I'm happy.

I also had to explain to the doctor, and her shadow, that even though I'm "only 22" and not a doctor that I DO know what I'm talking about, and here is a list of all of the other things wrong with me, and the steps being taken to correct/manage them, and I am currently trying to get into better shape by exercising, which I am more prone to do outdoors, as there are more incentives to continue and push myself. So PLEASE GIVE ME AN INHALER SO I CAN START GETTING HEALTHY.

They were very brisk on their way out the door after handing me my prescription with several refills.

I really need a doctor. A REAL one. One I can make appointments with. One who won't argue with me when I'm right. One I can trust not to give me medications which will send me to the hospital. I think I need to move to Denmark. That would be nice.

*I do not condone, nor do I promote smoking.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Doesn't That Stupid?

(as quoted from my friend)

I went shopping yesterday for a new pair of rollerblades for my mom to buy me for my birthday. (I hope the grammar in that sentence is logical) I found a pair, and started looking for a new pair of wrist guards. I tried some on. That's when it happened.

I injured myself whilst trying on safety equipment.

I dislocated my ring finger knuckle in a way that burst a blood vessel somewhere, and I now have a nifty bruise over most of my finger.