They all seem to be slipping away.
I feel as though I am losing my mind, because of my health, and it's taking "me" with it. The twitching is horrible again. The first neurologists' words flow through me like an echo "psychosomatic... it's all in your head" as I throw things around the office, and get more papercuts in one day than is normal for a year. I find myself suddenly sitting on the floor, trying to put myself back together. I take out my cane, because I slept wrong and dislocated my good hip. I don't want people to look at me. I want people to SEE me. To know who I am on the inside. So they can remind me who I'm supposed to be.
I have a twitch-induced-stutter again.
My shoulder hasn't been in its socket for 3 days. The muscles spasm from overuse, in between the twitching, jerking, flailing which I am also powerless to stop.
It takes me an hour to get a glass of iced tea to where I am sitting. I have to stop twitching long enough to drink half of it before it is safe to carry it. I must concentrate with all of my effort to keep myself vertical, holding my glass with both hands, as I painstakingly inch toward my chair. I am still unable to ask for help if I know I can accomplish a task myself, no matter how long it takes me.
A day after taking my cane out, I put it away again. Is it because I feel better? No. My other hip is just as bad now, and the strain on my shoulder to use my cane means one more joint hurting, not one less.
Is that all I am now? A girl in pain? Or am I still in here somewhere, waiting for the time to come when the pain subsides enough to let my guard down?
Wallowing In It
1 week ago