Thursday, October 21, 2010

Slipping Away

My sanity
My health
My self

They all seem to be slipping away.

I feel as though I am losing my mind, because of my health, and it's taking "me" with it. The twitching is horrible again. The first neurologists' words flow through me like an echo "psychosomatic... it's all in your head" as I throw things around the office, and get more papercuts in one day than is normal for a year. I find myself suddenly sitting on the floor, trying to put myself back together. I take out my cane, because I slept wrong and dislocated my good hip. I don't want people to look at me. I want people to SEE me. To know who I am on the inside. So they can remind me who I'm supposed to be.

I have a twitch-induced-stutter again.

My shoulder hasn't been in its socket for 3 days. The muscles spasm from overuse, in between the twitching, jerking, flailing which I am also powerless to stop.

It takes me an hour to get a glass of iced tea to where I am sitting. I have to stop twitching long enough to drink half of it before it is safe to carry it. I must concentrate with all of my effort to keep myself vertical, holding my glass with both hands, as I painstakingly inch toward my chair. I am still unable to ask for help if I know I can accomplish a task myself, no matter how long it takes me.

A day after taking my cane out, I put it away again. Is it because I feel better? No. My other hip is just as bad now, and the strain on my shoulder to use my cane means one more joint hurting, not one less.

Is that all I am now? A girl in pain? Or am I still in here somewhere, waiting for the time to come when the pain subsides enough to let my guard down?

5 comments:

Flexability is over rated, creativity is ingenious said...

Ugh! That's the worst!
I hear ya sista, story of my life. Know that you're not in it alone and no, it's not in your head. Anyone who thinks that can kiss it!

Sending the positive juju your way.xx

Achelois said...

Oh hunny I wonder if work is just too much?

I know you don't want to do this but would a beaker with a straw and lid be safer.

I ended up in A & E once having an episode of uncontrolled stuttering, twitching etc. I still don't know what caused it.

I think you need a great big rest.
A great big hug and some TLS.

A virtual hug winging its way across world right now.

I am worried about you. You sound so down. Internalising a lot of your 'stuff'. I wonder if you should be hospitalised sometimes so that they can see just how debilitating all this twitching is. Its not right that they haven't got to the bottom of it.

Post soon to let us know how you are. Pretty please.

xooxoxoxo

Pink Doberman said...

Thinking of you! A tip for you from me. I drink my drinks with those snap close lids. I drop things. While not the same as shaking, it does help.

Although pouring it in with shaking hands could be an issue.. I guess that is why they make funnels! With my eye sight these days funnels come in handy as well!
Wishing you calmer tomorrows!
Blessings!
Tonja

Saurou said...

I know it can feel impossible to be true sometimes, but you are NOT your disease.

It can make you feel like a hostage. Everything you are doing is for the condition. All your thoughts are focused on things that most people do without thinking. Like you're feeding all your energy into this Thing and there is nothing left for you. It can feel that way.

But that DOESN'T mean that your self is slipping away. It means that this is one of the bad times. The rough patches. It gets better. You are not your pain. You are not your twitching. You are not how many things you drop in an hour. You are this awesome Bubble Girl who I like and can really relate to and you're going through a tough time right now. But you are far from alone.

Try to not beat yourself up on the inside.

Love, gentle hugs, and all kinds of positive energy heading your way.

BubbleGirl said...

Thanks Everyone, for your comments & concern.

Achelois,
Work is too much some days, but if I went on disability, I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. My hubby can't get a "normal" job because of his injury, and with the economy the way it is, most people don't want to spend money on non-essentials like photography.

I have a nice water bottle with a leak-resistant cap, but it hurts my hands to open it. And it's practically impossible to clean, cuz I don't have a dishwasher. Might have to go back to the gatorade bottles.

I've suffered from chronic, low-grade depression for many years, and I internalise a lot of stuff, because everyone in my life is sick of hearing me complain.

A nice rest in a hospital might be nice, but the wonderful people in charge of admitting probably won't go for it, and I couldn't take that kind of time off work until closer to Christmas.

Saurou,
I might have to print out your comment, and keep it on my fridge as a way to kick myself in the pants when I'm feeling down.

Thanks.