Odd Moments

Today would have been my father's 52nd birthday.

Would have been.

If he hadn't died ,unceremoniously, without warning, and for no apparent reason, 6 years, and 3 months ago.

So, for the past 6 years, and 3 months, I have been having a dream. It's got different details, but the broad strokes are always the same:

He shows up, unannounced, and says "I'm sorry I faked my death, can you ever forgive me?"

Usually, at this point, I either hug him, and start crying, or I punch him in the nose, and scream at him (and then hug him and start crying).

The frustrating thing is, though, that the dream will continue, and I will spend a week or more catching up with my dad, telling him about all the horrible things that have happened since he died, and feeling like I might be able to forgive him for leaving, because his reasons (though never the same) were good enough.

Every time I have this dream, I wake up expecting it to have been real. I wake up expecting my dad to be alive. I wake up, and reach for my phone to call him.

Then the dream shatters, and reality comes crashing down. And I have to live through his death all over again.

Pregnancy hormones cause dreams to be much more vivid.

It sucks.

Not only do I miss my dad, and feel bad that he's never going to meet his granddaughter while I'm awake; I also spend time with my dad, being excited about the baby, and even having some dreams where I can see the two of them playing together, which I have to wake up from.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I miss you.

No News is Good News

I have my third ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow. I'm pretty excited to see my little Monster's face again!

As of last week (at 31.5 weeks gestation) I had gained a whole 8.5lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. Nobody seems concerned that this is too little at this point, so I'll keep doing what I've been doing (which is eating lots, and lots, and lots of fruits-as well as pretty much anything else that comes close enough to my mouth to be devoured...).

I've found that Tums, and a glass of milk about an hour before bed keeps the reflux/heartburn at bay overnight (and it helps me get my Calcium). Yay!

I still can't sleep much. Getting a few hours a night, between EMERGENCY PEE RUNS. It's crazy... I'm laying there, with no notion that I've got anything in my bladder, then suddenly my bladder is kicked, punched, or head-butted, and it feels like I won't have time to make it to the bathroom. Add to that the part where sitting up to get out of bed requires some of the same muscles as peeing, and I'm surprised I haven't wet the bed.

My pelvis is still loose, and dislocatey. My shoulder is still ridiculously loose, and unstable. My arm randomly goes numb, or tingly from either nerves or blood flow suddenly getting smushed.

I went to the optometrist last week, because my vision has been time-to-get-new-glasses fuzzy. I've been wearing glasses for 20 years, so I know when fuzzy is fuzzy enough to require a new prescription. But apparently, I'm totally bonkers, as my vision was 20/20 when he checked it on Thursday, and the only reasonable explanation is that the oils, and other liquids on my eye are not properly balanced, causing fuzziness (which apparently goes away if I blink 47 times in a row).

Where'd my toes go?

I have to lean over a bit to see my toes now. If I don't lean, all I see is boobs and belly.

I'm waddling quite nicely now. Somewhere between a duck waddle, and a Quasimodo waddle-shuffle, depending on how much/which things hurt.

I've got some lower back pain from my tummy throwing me off-balance, and I have to stand, and rock myself back and forth to fix things. It's amazing how many things are fixed by rocking... Lower back pain, dislocated tailbone, dislocated pelvis, constipation, gas pain, and restless baby... Gently rocking for a few minutes gets everything back to where it should be, and convinces my little monster that my ribcage should not be her hideout.

On another note, I'd like to find the person who smuggled steel-toed boots, a pointy helmet, and a sledgehammer into my womb. Okay, not quite, but it's amazing how strong she is in there.

I'm getting a shiny new car this week, because my current car is crap, and I don't think I'd feel safe having a baby in it.

I think my appointment with the High Risk Pregnancy clinic next week is finally going to get me an OB/GYN. Amazingly, at 6 1/2 months, I still don't have one.

My appointment last week with the Chronic Illness & Pregnancy clinic was interesting. For 2 hours I had a nurse, an intern, and a doctor asking me question upon question, and writing notes.

Weird part, though, is that they knew enough about EDS that they told me, "we're not concerned, because you don't have the vascular type." Which is great, they know that Type IV is the most problematic when it comes to pregnancy complications, and such... But don't sit there and tell me that I'm going to be fine, especially after I've detailed the extreme dislocations, the extreme pain, and the scary-as-hell near-syncope events I had all through my first trimester, coupled with the ever-looming possibility that this pregnancy may end with me in a wheelchair. Telling me that "at least it's not type IV" doesn't earn you any brownie points. It doesn't make me feel better.

Oh well. At least they knew some things.

Tummy Monster is Kicking My Butt

So, I just passed the 6 month milestone in my pregnancy. I also finally got back to my pre-pregnancy weight, after losing 20 pounds in my first trimester.

My pelvis now dislocates in up to 4 places simultaneously.

My intestines seem to be doing their job again, since I started eating a lot more fruit.

The tiny little person I'm growing can stretch to amazing lengths already, poking me in the ribs on both sides, as well as just above both hip bones, at the same time. It really is one of the strangest sensations I've ever experienced.

I am exhausted, all the time. I still can't get much sleep, but I am getting some.

My geneticist has referred me to 2 different high risk pregnancy centres, and I'm still waiting to hear back from them about an appointment.

I saw my chiropractor yesterday, about the 4 wobbly bits in my pelvis, and he adjusted them (which really hurt) and they felt so much better afterward, for about an hour and a half. I had to break out my cane. He also gave me the number for a place in town that sells braces, and told me to see if they have any pelvic braces to help stabilize me.

Also, my husband spoke to my prolotherapy doctor, and he seems to think we'll have to wait 3-6 months after baby is born to start prolotherapy again. I am really distressed by this, as I can barely walk for 10 minutes now, and I seem to be getting worse almost daily. Once I know his reasons for waiting that long, I'm either going to try to convince him he's wrong (if I think he is), or try to convince him to do it a different way, if it's the drugs/breastmilk he's worried about.

Relaxin... Not Relaxing

My pubic bone is permanently subluxed now. It grinds against itself if I stand/walk more than 10 minutes at a time. My left shoulder hasn't been properly in its socket for over 2 weeks, probably closer to 3.

Baby has also decided that when mom goes to sleep, it must be kickboxing time, as she doesn't sit still for at least half an hour after I've laid down.

I'm still not sleeping nearly enough.

But as far as the pregnancy is going, everything still seems to be going well.

I am excited to meet my little tummy monster, but I don't think I've ever felt this unwell for this long before.

I'm afraid of the next step... Being a mom... But I'm definitely looking forward to not being pregnant.

Can it be April yet?

Time For Fat Pants

My jeans were starting to get tight around my uterus, so I went out and bought some maternity pants. I'm still barely showing, and I've barely grown any, it's just WHERE I'm growing that's causing discomfort.

I've now dislocated/subluxated my pelvis a total of 5 times (twice yesterday), and my right shoulder made a wet tearing sound when I reached over to my left shoulder to massage it on Monday. My arms feel like they've been used as a tug-of-war rope, and my entire upper body feels bruised.

I've also got some new pain, which I can only describe as slowly stretching tissues, just to the inside of my hip bones. And my abs! Even though they never really did the core-supporting they're supposed to, it feels like I've done about a million sit-ups, and they BURN... Holy crap, ow.

Oh, and now that my pants aren't squishing my uterus, with their too-tightness, I can't feel the the squirmy little monster most of the time now. Except when it's bladder=trampoline time, and I have to pee 5 times in an hour.

I have so much stuff to do before baby comes. I need to go buy a new car, because I barely trust the one I have with 2 full grown adults, let alone a small helpless person. And I need to buy baby stuff. I have NONE. Nothing. At all. I'm totally unprepared.

I got a call from my geneticist's office yesterday, and I've gotten a referral to the High Risk Pregnancy Clinic, as well as the Chronic Illness Obstetrics Centre. So I'll finally be having someone take a look at my lady bits (for the first time in 5 years), because I haven't had a family doctor in so long, and these things seem to get put on the back burner.

Aside from pain, dislocations, cold/flu-like symptoms, and lack of sleep, I seem to be doing alright health-wise. The nausea is gone, to be replaced by near-normal hunger. I still don't eat much, but it's more than I ate before, so that's good. My extreme dizziness, and near-fainting have calmed down a lot.

I just want to meet this tiny little person, already.

19 Weeks, 1 Day

I had my ultrasound today, and I measured at 19 weeks, 1 day. It's 17 weeks, 2 days since conception, and 18 weeks 5 days from my last menstrual cycle. I figure I'm due the first week-ish of April. I hate how there's no clearly defined, absolute rule for counting dates.

I found out the sex of the baby today, and if you don't want to know, don't read the rest of this paragraph. I'm having a girl! With all the certainty she (the ultrasound technician) could give me, it's going to be a girl. Obviously at this point the accuracy of sexing a baby via ultrasound is not 100%, but she said she's pretty sure it's a girl!

I've had some nausea off and on, and the heartburn/acid reflux issues at night seem to be less bad if I drink milk in the evening (or eat ice cream).

It seems the only cravings I've had are sugar-heavy items. Like gummi bears, and slurpees, and chocolate, and cookies... Not anything specific though, just sweet.

My uterus feels less heavy now, but my pelvis seems to be quite crowded. There's barely room for my bladder, and intestines to be where they're supposed to, which makes the constipation worse, and makes me have to pee... 5 times today, already (make that 6).

I also have the same sneezy, runny nose, feels like a cold, with the flu-like body aches that I've had through the whole pregnancy so far. It's not nice.

I'm sleeping 3-4 hours per night, and not having to get up and pee any more, which is nice.

My left shoulder subluxed, probably a few days ago, and it just won't stay where it should. It's just so loose and floppy right now. Had a new dislocation! Dislocated my pelvis, front and center, with a holy-crap-pulled-muscle feeling more towards the left side. It was one of the ones where when it first goes, you have that terrifying thought that this is it-my life from now on is going to include a wheelchair. But it went back where it should be, and the pain went away after 2 days. It just made it impossible to stand up even close to straight, so I sat until bed time, and slept on my side.