Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Odd Moments

Today would have been my father's 52nd birthday.

Would have been.

If he hadn't died ,unceremoniously, without warning, and for no apparent reason, 6 years, and 3 months ago.

So, for the past 6 years, and 3 months, I have been having a dream. It's got different details, but the broad strokes are always the same:

He shows up, unannounced, and says "I'm sorry I faked my death, can you ever forgive me?"

Usually, at this point, I either hug him, and start crying, or I punch him in the nose, and scream at him (and then hug him and start crying).

The frustrating thing is, though, that the dream will continue, and I will spend a week or more catching up with my dad, telling him about all the horrible things that have happened since he died, and feeling like I might be able to forgive him for leaving, because his reasons (though never the same) were good enough.

Every time I have this dream, I wake up expecting it to have been real. I wake up expecting my dad to be alive. I wake up, and reach for my phone to call him.

Then the dream shatters, and reality comes crashing down. And I have to live through his death all over again.

Pregnancy hormones cause dreams to be much more vivid.

It sucks.

Not only do I miss my dad, and feel bad that he's never going to meet his granddaughter while I'm awake; I also spend time with my dad, being excited about the baby, and even having some dreams where I can see the two of them playing together, which I have to wake up from.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I miss you.


Shayla Maas said...

I hear you. My mom has been gone for almost 8 years and 3 months, and I'll dream of her as if she is still alive. When I wake up, it takes me a little while to remember that no, she died - I *watched* her die, so I can't tell myself she didn't. Some of the meds I'm on for my EDS make my dreams more vivid - they certainly feel more real, more substantial since being on the meds. And that makes it harder.

I hope this part of things gets a little easier for you soon (at least when the pregnancy part is done).

BubbleGirl said...

I'm sorry for your loss.

My father died out of country, and was cremated before he was brought home, so there is *technically* a very miniscule possibility that he *could* still be out there, somewhere. My subconscious mind seems to cling to that small lack of closure, though, and turn it into several scenarios.

I hope you get some relief from your dreams, as well.

Thank you for the comment.