Odd Moments

Today would have been my father's 52nd birthday.

Would have been.

If he hadn't died ,unceremoniously, without warning, and for no apparent reason, 6 years, and 3 months ago.

So, for the past 6 years, and 3 months, I have been having a dream. It's got different details, but the broad strokes are always the same:

He shows up, unannounced, and says "I'm sorry I faked my death, can you ever forgive me?"

Usually, at this point, I either hug him, and start crying, or I punch him in the nose, and scream at him (and then hug him and start crying).

The frustrating thing is, though, that the dream will continue, and I will spend a week or more catching up with my dad, telling him about all the horrible things that have happened since he died, and feeling like I might be able to forgive him for leaving, because his reasons (though never the same) were good enough.

Every time I have this dream, I wake up expecting it to have been real. I wake up expecting my dad to be alive. I wake up, and reach for my phone to call him.

Then the dream shatters, and reality comes crashing down. And I have to live through his death all over again.

Pregnancy hormones cause dreams to be much more vivid.

It sucks.

Not only do I miss my dad, and feel bad that he's never going to meet his granddaughter while I'm awake; I also spend time with my dad, being excited about the baby, and even having some dreams where I can see the two of them playing together, which I have to wake up from.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I miss you.

No News is Good News

I have my third ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow. I'm pretty excited to see my little Monster's face again!

As of last week (at 31.5 weeks gestation) I had gained a whole 8.5lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. Nobody seems concerned that this is too little at this point, so I'll keep doing what I've been doing (which is eating lots, and lots, and lots of fruits-as well as pretty much anything else that comes close enough to my mouth to be devoured...).

I've found that Tums, and a glass of milk about an hour before bed keeps the reflux/heartburn at bay overnight (and it helps me get my Calcium). Yay!

I still can't sleep much. Getting a few hours a night, between EMERGENCY PEE RUNS. It's crazy... I'm laying there, with no notion that I've got anything in my bladder, then suddenly my bladder is kicked, punched, or head-butted, and it feels like I won't have time to make it to the bathroom. Add to that the part where sitting up to get out of bed requires some of the same muscles as peeing, and I'm surprised I haven't wet the bed.

My pelvis is still loose, and dislocatey. My shoulder is still ridiculously loose, and unstable. My arm randomly goes numb, or tingly from either nerves or blood flow suddenly getting smushed.

I went to the optometrist last week, because my vision has been time-to-get-new-glasses fuzzy. I've been wearing glasses for 20 years, so I know when fuzzy is fuzzy enough to require a new prescription. But apparently, I'm totally bonkers, as my vision was 20/20 when he checked it on Thursday, and the only reasonable explanation is that the oils, and other liquids on my eye are not properly balanced, causing fuzziness (which apparently goes away if I blink 47 times in a row).